Spoken by more than 700 million people, English has travelled to all corners of the globe. But some of it gets scrambled along the way. A new book, “Lost in Translation”, has compiled some of the best, or worst, communication catastrophes. Rachael Bletchly picks out a few of her favourites…

Hotels’ room for improvement
India: Welcome to Hotel Cosy: where no one is stranger.

Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.

Seoul: Third floor: Turkey Bath.

Hamburg, Germany: It is our intention to pleasure you every day.

Zurich: We have nice bath and are very good in bed.

Thailand, donkey tours: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Baghdad: No consummation whatever may take place in the foyer.

Madrid: If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, cry out for the chambermaid.

By a phone in a hotel room, in Amsterdam: Telephone instructions can be found on the backside.

Plane speaking
Instructions on a Korean flight: Upon arrival at Kimpo and Kimahie Airport, please wear your clothes.

Caption in Chinese in-flight magazine on a picture of a bagpiper: A man dressed in a Scottish woollen skirt blowing air whistle.

Danish airline: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Sick bag on a Spanish plane: Bags to be used in case of sickness or to gather remains.

Fire!
Tokyo: In case of earthquake use the torch to pass yourself out.

Beijing: No smoking in bed. If it’s on fire, the guests should be dispersed according to safety.

Japan: In case of fire, try to use the fire ex-ting wisher.

Driven to distraction
Petrol station, New Mexico: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

Japanese Road Sign: Stop. Drive sideways.

Outside a shop in Athens: Park one hour. Later dick dock goes the money clock.

Dangerous road surface warning in Beijing: To take notice of safe, the slippery are very crafty.

Sign on a car in Manila: Car and owner for sale.

Sign for motoring event in French Riviera: Competitors will defile themselves on the promenade at 11am and each car will have two drivers who will relieve themselves at each other’s convenience.

Unhealthy language Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

On a Japanese medicine bottle: Adults, 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away.

In office of a doctor in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Barbershop in Zanzibar: Gentlemem’s throats cut with nice sharp razors.

Beauty shop in Japan: Beauty Brain’s Fantastic Fannie.

Eating your words
Vienna: Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep.

Japan: Buttered saucepans and fried hormones.

China: Mr Zheng and his fellow workers like to meet you and entertain you with hostility and unique cooking technique.

Malaysia: Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained.

Neon sign outside a restaurant in China: Smart noshery makes slobber.

Hotel lobby, Bejing: Good appearance please. No watermelon.

Tested to instructions
Candle, China: Keep this candle out of children.

Taiwanese room spray: Can be used at any place where needs to eliminate the stinky smell and keep fleshing surroundings all the time.

Taiwanese puzzle toy: Let’s decompose and enjoy assembling!

Greek deodorant stick: Push up bottom.

Fire extinguisher, Calcutta: Cease fire.

For Swedish flat pack cabinet: It is advisory to be two people during assembly.

Shop soiled
Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In an Israeli butcher’s: I slaughter myself twice daily.

Sign on Hong Kong shop closing down: Anal Clearance.

Shop in Majorca: English well talking here speeching American.

Name of shop in Indonesia: 69% Perfect Shop.

Paris: Dresses for street walking.

Cards handed out in front of a shop in Mexico: Come to Juan’s Jewelry Shop. We won’t screw you too much.

Sign language
Museum in Shanghai: Be careful to butt head on wall.

Oklahoma City: No dumping - trespassers will be violated.

Tibet: Reception Centre for the Unorganised Tourists.

On a tap in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn the cock to the right.

Sign in Tokyo: Cars will not have intercourse on this bridge.

Balinese menu: Toes with butter and jam.

Swimming is forbidden in the absence of the Saviour - Sign in French swimming baths

If you cannot reach a fire exit, close the door and expose yourself at the window - Finnish hotel sign

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time - Sign in Rome laundry

Source: People.co.uk, 15 October 2006